As darkness quickly steals the light
by inlya
Summary: Catherine doesn't know what to do anymore and tries to end her life. She has to deal with a lot of things afterwards. How is everyone going to take it? And how will she take it herself? Will she find the intimacy back? Please R&R. Complete.
1. Black

**A/N:** This was in my head for some time, so I thought I would give it a shot. This is not really usual to me, writing ehm... Cath Drama, but I think it worked out fine, at least for this chapter. This is going to be a two-parter, unless you all think: I am craving for more, then I will give it a second thought. Ehm... I hope you all enjoy it. And if you want to, leave a review for this girl. :)

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****Category**: Drama/Angst.

**Rating**: M to be safe. Language and ehm... violence.

**Summary**: Catherine is going to a dark period of her life. Someone tries to safe her, bring some light to her. Is this person going to succeed?

**Spoilers**: Not that I'm aware of.

**Disclaimer**: Still hoping to get them for passing my exams sometime, but 'till now, nope, not mine.

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**Chapter 1**

I have no idea how I ended up in this situation. Here, sitting down on the floor in the dark room, suddenly I realize that I have fallen deep. And I don't know if I will ever climb up, ever. I think I should try to explain this to you. The room is empty, all the stuff is taken. I'm about to leave. Leave this damn town. Leave my job. Leave everyone I love, but I know I have no choice. Saying good-bye to my baby girl was the hardest part though I know it's the best. Having no mother to love her is always better than a mom who can't handle her. Who had only cared about her job, and not about the girl who really needed her.

I'm holding the letter and look at it again. I flick on the lighter. I'm not a smoker… well, not an addicted one, at parties I do smoke from time to time. Another example that I'm worthless as a mother. I screamed at her when she had smoked her first cigarette, but eventually, I'm smoking myself. When she told me, I had no defence, and I know there _is_ no defence. My 12-year-old was just fucking right, and I fucking couldn't handle her. I look at the little flame, coming from the lighter. I let it light the letter, so that I can read it. I don't have the strength to stand up and put on the light. I don't even know for sure that the power is on, maybe it's already off. I look at my own handwriting. I know what the text says, though seeing the text makes my cry again.

_Not now. Not at this moment. I need to be strong. I need to leave, sobbing here makes no sense. _

I try to tell myself to stop, and for some reason, it helps.

You have still no idea what this is about? I don't even know it myself. It's just... everything. They all see me as... the flirting woman. The woman who slept with every guy around. Partly, this is true, obviously. But they just don't know that I'm so much more... that I have feelings too. Especially for him... Oh no... why do I have to cry when I think about _us_? We made love, multiple times, but he still doesn't give a damn about me. It all was just because of the hot sex we both had. And it _was_ hot, I can't deny that. And it wasn't about him, if I think straight now. It just is because I'm the supervisor and he's the employee. And... love between us is not tolerated.

When Ecklie found out, he just... did everything to make my life horrible. He didn't get the chance though; nobody can get me down, at least not Conrad Ecklie. Then Ecklie fired _him_. He... I have never seen him like that. He walked out, didn't even say good-bye to me. He just walked out, didn't even look back as I stood there, screaming at him, crying, begging him to come back. I sank on my knees; I couldn't hold the facade anymore. I... couldn't even cry. She... came to me, brought me back to my office, made me calm again. Or at least that's what she thought. I couldn't tell her everything, she thought that was okay.

It is not. And I know it isn't okay with me. Now, I'm holding the lighter close to my arm. I have put down the letter, the letter I have written for my baby girl. I can't cry anymore, I must be strong. _I can do it. _The thought flashes through my head, bounces around, over and over again. I stare in the flame, and look at my bare arms. What would the flame do with my skin? I have seen it so many times, burning marks, but I never thought of experiencing it myself. Still, I'm not afraid of what I'm going to do now. I look at the flame, and am sure what I'm going to do.

_Let it hurt your skin. Let it burn you_.

I accidentally let it slip on my skin. I don't feel anything, not even the touch of the flame.

_Deeper. You must feel it, Catherine, you must feel it burning_.

I let it burn my skin, it hurts, but I don't notice the intense heating feeling. It must burn. I turn the lighter off and look at the skin. It's sore, and I think its red, but the room is too dark. I swallow, feel the blister come up. It won't fill itself with fluid, I know. By the time it would, I will be dead.

I hear a knock on the door.

_Not now. No-one is going to stop me_.

I'm not going to open the door, no way. The person just has to leave, pity for him or her. Again, a knock. And a voice. It takes me only seconds to figure out who the knocker is.

_Sara_.

What is she doing here? If she misses me at work, she should know that I have taken a day off. Unpaid. It doesn't matter anymore. Three knocks now, she really wants to contact me.

"Catherine, I know you're there. You think you can fool me?"

Yeah, I think so, Miss Sidle. Go away, please. I pray it, hoping that someone up there would answer me.

Bad luck. The door flies open when she bangs with her shoulder against the wood. _Crap_. I let my vision scan her, and then look back to the lighter. I can't watch her. Maybe she will go away when she notices that I don't want to see her. I slip my thumb on the button, the fire presents itself again.

_I'm not going to give up now_.

Stubborn, I almost held it against my wrist. I feel that her eyes widen, but she remains silent. From the corner of my eyes, I see that she sits down on the floor, cross-legged. She looks at me, intensely, without blinking. I hate it, and she knows that I do. I try to focus on the lighter; it is going to hit my wrist soon.

_Or not?_

Some voice comes from the back of my head. I try to shake it away; I can't use those thoughts right now. _I can_. The fire is dangerously close to my skin now, just a few millimetres left. I can feel panic in the air from her side. She inhales deeply.

"This is not what you want. Put the lighter down, Catherine."

_Put it down? No, not now_.

"Put it down, Catherine, put it down."

No, I am not going to.

_Or am I?_

God, the fact that she is here now makes it a lot harder for me to go on.

"If you don't put it down, I'm going to grab it out of your hands. Do you want me to burn my hands? It's your choice, Catherine. Put the lighter down."

_You won't do that anyway. You will burn your hands, Sara. You won't do that_.

Still, I don't move, I won't give in. Focusing is the best. I focus on my hand, I must control it. They do not shake, I do not shake. I don't know if I do that because I can't move or because of my calmness.

"Okay, you let me no choice."

She rushes forward, and before I realize, she has snatched it out of my hands. I try to stop her, I'm too late. My glance catches her, she stares back at me. The coldness of her eyes sticks me the most. She doesn't even look at her hand, though I know damn well that it hurts. She places the lighter next to her, plain in sight. I can grab it if I want to and she knows that.

"So. You have to talk to me."

I don't want to. I want her to get out of the room.

_If I just be silent, she's going away herself fairly soon. Just patience, Catherine. She will go; she is not going to change your mind. Never._

I press my lips against each other and stare at the door, hoping she will get the hint. I try to focus on my own heartbeat, just to forget that she is there. God, Little Miss Sidle is so hard to miss in a room. She just makes me look at her, even in silence she is very much present. I swallow.

After a while of sitting together, I know I have to give it up. I have counted: 721 heartbeats since I started counting. I have no idea what my pulse is right now, usually it is about 75. About 10 minutes, if my mind still can calculate. Sara has not moved, has not said anything since she told me to talk to her. Accidentally, my glance meets hers. No expression visible at her face. Pity, I wanted to know what she was thinking, I wanted to know how I could make her go away.

_Don't give in now, Catherine; you can make her go away soon. _

She shakes her head. "You have two options. You can talk to me or to someone in the hospital. It's your choice, Catherine."

I have two options? What the heck? This is my house, my place, my rules. Now she just fucking makes up her own rules? What is this? I almost want to scream this to her, but I remember that, as soon as I start to talk, the sooner she gets me wherever she wants. And I don't want to talk. Not with her, not with a shrink, with no one. She's not going to make the decisions. I am and she needs to know that.

"You have two options left. Talk to me."

"You probably know everything already."

It slips out of my mouth before I realize it.

_Fuck_.

I know she looks at me pretty awkward. My voice was shaky and weak. I know she's analyzing it, I know her brilliant brain is thinking how she can reach me. And I know that she is going to get me wherever she wants. I close my eyes and sigh.

"I want to hear it from you. Your side of the story." She's trying to be really nice to me; I know I have to be careful.

_My side of the story, uh? Tempting, Sidle._

I bit on the bottom of my lip. I know I want to talk this time, and she's offering me a chance. Why am I not answering it?Sarcasm. That's the key. If I try to be sarcastic, it might throw her off.

"And, Sidle, what do I know more than you do? What do you know about love?"

I know this hit her pretty hard. But in fact, it's true; it's what I am thinking of. What does she know about love? She's been hunting Gil Grissom since the day she came across him, she followed him like a lovesick dog and never thought about anyone else. No man is as unromantic as Gil Grissom. She might have had a couple of boyfriends in her life, but love? She doesn't know it. She won't understand the love Warrick and I had. Talking to her wouldn't make any sense.

_It is about love_.

My lips tremble, the word Love, in combination with Warrick makes me weak and sick. My hand touches my forehead, though I manage to continue thinking.

"This isn't about me, this is about you."

_Stubborn Sara. Stupid Stubborn Sara._

I have to hurt her a little more, I know it. Maybe she will go away if I start talking about Heather. I think carefully about what I'm going to say, when I get it clear, I clear my throat. I look at her, icily.

"You know, Gil has had the best sex in his life with Heather. I'm sure you know about her. He fucked her, really nicely. He will never do this to you, Sara, ever. He could do this with her; he can't do this with you. You never had him, you will never have him. And I'm sure you know."

My words hurt her, exactly as I have expected. For one moment, she's distracted; her mouth opens and closes again.

"This isn't about me. You need to talk to me, Cath. This is all about you."

One last straw. I know I have to give her one last thing, one last hurting issue. _Lindsey_. I know I can hurt her with my girl.

"You're trying to save me? You must have caught the killer of the father of my girl. If you really care about her, you must have done that. You just don't give a damn about other people's feelings; you're just here to see me suffering. And you are enjoying yourself, aren't you? Is it fun to see me having pain? I'm sure it is to you. If you just give me the lighter, I will make you feel a little better."

I stare at the door, whispering the word 'leave' to her or actually to nobody in particular. I have hurt her, for sure. She shakes her head, and in some way she has found the strength to shake away the thoughts.

"I really tried to catch the killer of Eddie, and you know that. Damn well, Cath, you know that. But that isn't the subject. You must stop this. You need to talk to me, and you know that too. This is not about me."

I made it a little too personal for the brunette. If I continue this way, _she's_ the one who is going to break down soon. I swallow again, my mouth is dry. I haven't drunken anything since… yesterday. I bend forward and grab the lighter next to Sara. She doesn't do anything to stop me; she looks at me like I'm not making any movement. I turn it on, but realize that I don't feel the urge to burn myself. Not now. She has changed something in me, but I feel that I'm not done yet. I place it next to me, I may need it sometime.

"Talk to me."

And then I break down. I start sobbing so hardly that it hurts my head. I don't want her to comfort me; I don't want her to hold my hand. I just want her to leave; can't a woman just sob in private? Tears are dripping on the floor, on the skin of my hands. I don't know what is happening to me, I just feel that all the pain I have gone though is coming out of me in a second.

_Stop it, Willows. This is foolish. Stop crying, you have some unfinished business._

I weep away the tears by the back of my unburned hand. I sigh. I have to talk to her, I have no choice.

"I… it's about… you goddamn know well where this is about, Sidle. _You_ have heard all the rumours; you know perfectly well how we fucked. How Warrick Brown and I fucked in the locker room, how we were caught in the middle of it. How Conrad Ecklie fired him, how he left me, screaming his name. Crying, pale skin, sobbing. It was you who brought me back to my office. You know that it is about Warrick and me. Why are you still asking it?"

She is observing me. God, it's almost like Grissom is watching me, and that irritates me. I am not her project.

"Because I want to hear your side of the story?"

I calm down again, and know she is right. I sigh, heavily. A frown appears in my forehead, I'm thinking hard how I am going to start. Because actually, I _want_ to talk about what happened. Knowing that it will be very painful, I'm preparing myself for the bitter feelings I am going to have. I want someone to know my side of the story before I'll leave this world for good.

"I... I don't know where to start."

She is not rushing me, she let me take as much time as I need and I appreciate that. She doesn't move and her expression doesn't change. Still, she looks at me, fascinated. I expected her to say something like 'Start at the beginning', but she didn't. She is waiting for me. I close my eyes, and feel like I'm close to breaking down, again. I manage to hide my tears.

"It all started... weeks ago. He asked me out to dinner. It was all nice, and when we went home... we made love. It seemed all good, and it was good. It was just one of the best things I have ever experienced. We... when he left, we promised each other to continue the things we had. Sometimes the tension at work was too... too intense to handle. It all went fine... at least I thought so. It was physical mostly, but... I thought he cared about me. I really believed that he did..."

I feel a tear slipping down my cheek, but I don't want to wipe it away.

"When we got caught... when Ecklie found us... joined... in the locker room... I swear that it was just a one-time action. He... Warrick came to me, I was redressing myself and he came there, started kissing me, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't resist the passionate tension between us. It was quiet in the lab so I figured that it was safe. Then Ecklie came in, I was so afraid. He... first talked to me. He told me that I... had no responsibility, was a lousy supervisor, that he hated me since the day he saw me, that I... was worthless, as person, as mother, as lover... He told me so many things, I knew that. I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted to slap him, but that would only make things worse. He locked me in his office, said that he was going to fix things with the sheriff. I was so frightened. I banged on the door and he opened it. I begged him not to fire me. The smile on his face was so cruel. He told me that he wasn't going to fire me. But him... He left me there, and I couldn't do anything. Nothing. I sank on my knees. When he finally came back, he opened the door, let me out. I walked to the locker room. I crossed Warrick. He didn't look at me; he fucking acted like I wasn't there. I screamed at him. I cried. I begged. He walked out. I couldn't run strangely. I didn't have the strength to move. I fell down. On my knees, I sat there on the floor until you got me to my office."

I feel relieved now, for some reason. Seeing things in perspective makes me feel a little better, though I know that this isn't the whole story. She nods. She knows that this isn't _it_ and I try to give her a wry smile.

I must confess that Sara Sidle is a good listener. She doesn't ask questions, she just sits there, observes me, nods and _listens_. I must continue.

"He didn't come back. I... was in so much panic that something had happened to him, I called him. He didn't answer. I went to his home, it was a mess. Clothes everywhere, our photograph, the photograph of our first date, torn apart in many pieces. He wasn't there. He hadn't been there for days. I kept looking for him, downtown, desperately. I found him, at the back of the casino. Using drugs. He was... using drugs. I felt sick. I felt so sick, weak and I knew that it was all my fault. I was frozen, I couldn't even move. I wanted to scream his name; I wanted to run to him. I wanted to throw the drugs away, wanted him to embrace me, telling me that everything was going to be okay. The only thing I could do was whisper. I felt so weak, so ill. I don't know what I did, but the next thing I remembered was that I was lying in my bed, at my place. I have no idea how I got there. I thought everything is my fault. Lindsey... I can't handle my little girl. She yelled at me, that I was evil, that she wanted another mother. And I didn't know what to say. I screamed back, I told her that it was fine, that she had to look for one. I never... thought that she would do it. I remember looking at her closet. She had taken all the stuff that was important for her. She's gone, she's really gone. I called her, she didn't answer. I searched for her, she's gone. She's not coming back."

The thought of my little girl, yelling at me, gives me the creeps. I shiver, and stare at Sara. There's nothing left for me to live for. It is all my fault. The only good thing I have to do for this world is to leave. And never come back. I put on the lighter, look at the flame.

_Do it._

I see panic in her eyes, again. She knows that my plans will become action, in some minutes time, and she knows that she can't stop me.

"I saw him."

_What?_

For one moment, I don't know what to do. I stare at her, I feel completely blank. Is she saying this to me to make me change my mind? If she is lying, she's a good liar, for sure. She knows she has my attention and continues.

"I saw him; he... has taken an OD. He's fine, he's asking for you."

He is asking for me? After all the shit he has gone though? Because of me? He can't be, I don't believe Sara. She's just wants me to change my mind. And she's not going to succeed.

_It's all my fault. Everything is my fault. _I swallow. _The only thing you can do is leave this world, Catherine. It's the best for all of us. No pain, no love. Emptiness, forever. Do the world a favour, leave your life._

I close my eyes, and nod quickly. I place the fire on my wrist, it burns. It hurts, but I don't care. I'm going to be free. She throws me aside; I scratch her face with my hand. She is not going to undo my actions, never. I held the lighter in my hand, my grip does not weaken. I even manage to let the fire cross the skin of my neck. She's holding my hands now. She feels that she can't get grip on the lighter.

_I'm winning._

I feel it, I feel my skin burning. She loosens her grip, takes my head and smashes the wall with my head. That hurts. The last thing I remember is the world, fading to black.


	2. Grey

**A/N:** Broke my promise... This was meant to be a two-parter, but I broke this promise. There will be at least one chapter after this chapter, let's say that.. who knows what will follow? Thank you very much for the reviews, always nice to read them! I completely forgot to thank the people involved, so I'll do it now. Thanks to: **Cybrokat, Sara Sidle Grissom, Snow. **Let's go with this:) It's still Catherine's POV.

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**Chapter 2:**

My head hurts. I have no idea where I am, I have no idea what has happened. I just feel the buzzing sound of pain circulating in my head. I want to open my eyes; I want to see where I am. I want to know what happened. I try madly to open them, but it doesn't work. They feel so heavy, and my intuition tells me that it is probably better to leave them closed.

But my head… what has happened to my head? I try to lift my right arm, and for some reason I can lift it. I try to move it to my head, because that seems to be the place that hurts the most. Closer, closer... _no_. I am too tired to move. I think my hand was almost there when it dropped down on the bed.

I feel exhausted; I want to fall asleep again. I swallow, and try to close my thoughts. Then I hear the sounds. Why haven't I heard them earlier? The sound of the fast bleeping is covering the room, and I can't deny the sound. It must be my heartbeat. That's the only logical thing I can think of. But that means that… I'm in the hospital. How on Earth have I ended up here?

I hear myself moaning, I didn't even plan to do it. It must have slipped right out of me. I try to open my eyes again, but still, I fail. I feel sick and useless, I can't do anything, and that frustrates me. I can't even open my own eyes. Still, I want to know where I am. I try to make a picture of the room, with everything I'm feeling. I don't need vision; I can imagine the world around me without vision.

_Now you have to focus, Catherine, Focus, stay awake._

I try to focus on the feeling I'm having. I try not to focus on the buzzing pain in my head, but on all the other things. The feeling in my head is very unpredictable. One moment, it feels heavy and barely movable, the other time very light, almost like I'm asleep. Or dead. No, I can't be dead; the monitor sounds tell me that I'm still alive. Though I don't feel very much alive right now. I feel… strange, like everything that is happening is not real. Though I know that I am not dreaming. I am trying to forget about the feeling my head gives me; I need to make a picture of the world around me.

There is something in my nose, I don't know what it is but it feels safe there. I didn't worry about my condition but now I doubt myself. If there's something in my nose, does that mean that I'm... close to death? That thought can't get far and I decide to eliminate it. Can't think.

Apart from my head, my neck hurts. And my arm. Actually, now I think about it, it's the skin of these places. But I have no idea why. And I don't want to remember how I got here, the only thing I want to know is _why_ and when I know, I want to sleep. Deep sleep, perfect sleep.

_Analyze the room._

I am in a bed. I'm lying in a bed, under the sheets. My head is pillowed up. I know that my body doesn't do what I want. I'm pretty much knocked-out. Why? Maybe I can get my right hand to my left arm, it hurts there. Not the pain that's usual, it didn't bleed. It's more itchy pain. I want to know why. I manage to lift my right arm; I manage to make it touch the skin of my other arm. I expected to find skin; I discover that my arm is bound in a bandage. My neck feels the same, so I figure that the same has happened to the skin there.

Suddenly, blurry memories come in my mind. I can't connect them; I can't set them in order. I see... a lighter, lying on the floor. Drugs, I see someone injecting drugs into his arm. I can't see the person, and I have no idea how these visions are related to each other. This is the most frustrating thing... that I have no idea what happened. Do I know who I am? Yeah, I still know myself. I am Catherine Willows, Las Vegas Crime Lab, mother of a twelve-year-old girl, Lindsey. Good. I know myself.

I sigh. I want to open my eyes, and know I will succeed this time. Willpower will do it for me. I'm surprised how easy it goes now, they open. I blink; the light in the room is too bright for me to see anything. Slowly the vague shapes of the world around change into a clear image. My head is too heavy to turn, so I just screen the room with my eyes. _What time is it?_ I search for a clock around the room and find one. It's half past seven. In the evening I think, but I'm not sure. Now I see the room, I'm sure that I'm in the hospital. White walls, a sink. I look at my hands, without moving them. There's indeed a white bandage, covering almost my whole left arm. An IV is sticking out of my right hand. Water... I want to drink. But I don't even have the strength to move my head, let alone that I can walk to the sink and pour a glass of water. I close my eyes again, and sink into some sleep.

I wake up when I hear a door being closed. That sleep didn't help at all, I actually feel more tired now than I did before I went to sleep. I want to open my eyes again. I look at the room. First thing that draws my attention is the clock. I have slept about 45 minutes. For some reason I can calculate quite quickly. I scan the room, and finally recognize her. She's standing at the doorway, looking at me. I don't know if I want to smile at her. I try to, but my muscles don't listen to me. When she sees that I'm awake, she gives me a warm smile and walks to the bedside. She takes a chair out of the corner and places it next to my bed.

"So..."

I'm hoping that she is able to tell me what happened. Because I still don't know why I'm in this bed and why I'm feeling so fucking weak. I look at her face. She is feeling pretty uncomfortable, I can feel it.

"How... how are you feeling?"

I clear my throat. "Weak... sore... What... happened to me?" My voice sounds shaky. Still, I'm pretty impressed that I can talk like this. She shrugs.

"Well, I hit you pretty badly. It must have hurt."

She hit me? What on earth? This was the least I expected, Sara Sidle hitting me so badly that I must go to the hospital.

"You don't remember?"

I think I'm hearing disbelief in her voice, and some panic too, but I'm not really sure. I look at her; I want her to tell me the truth. Suddenly, I notice red scratches on her left cheek, the blood has dried up, but it's clear that it is there. I notice a bandage on her right hand. The scratches seem to be made with fingernails, my nails? She told me that she hit me, did we have a fight? Why can't I remember what happened?

I must look very confused. She takes my hand for a moment and smiles with me, full of pity. I want to cry, I feel so awful. I sob, once, twice, and then it's over. My throat hurts, there's absolutely no fluid in it anymore.

"Water..."

I don't have the strength to pronounce a full sentence. It seems that Sara doesn't mind my impoliteness. She stands up and pours me a glass of fresh water. She makes me sit a bit up, and helps me drink it. She holds the glass, while I swallow it down. The fluid makes me feel a little better, and I thank her. She shrugs and places the glass on the table next to my bed. She settles down on the chair again.

"I… I have no idea. What happened to me?"

Even these words make me feel so tired and I want to close my eyes and fall asleep again.

_Come on, Catherine, you have to stay awake._

"I think it is better that I don't tell you. You have some kind of memory loss and I think I can cause a lot of damage when I tell you what happened. I'm sorry."

She seems to mean it.

"Can you tell me… what's gonna happen now?"

I am trying, very hard, to forget about the 'how's' and 'whys' and focus on the present. Maybe if she tells me what is going to happen now, what is going on, I'll get more clarity about what happened. My eyes meet hers and there seems to be great concern in them.

"You… I talked to your doctor; he told me that you have a concussion. You have second degree burn marks on your arms and neck, and you're completely dehydrated. The doctor told me that you probably haven't eaten anything since… a couple of days back. You have to stay here for awhile, to get better. You are pretty weak right now, but everything is going to be fine."

She's trying to comfort me, though I know she's telling me half of the truth. I feel like I'm getting more and more tired by every second that passes. I close my eyes, hoping she will get the hint, and thank God, she does. "I think I'll come back later, you need to sleep. There are… visitors… waiting for you, but I think its better that they don't visit you right now, Cath, you'll understand, later you will understand me. If you need me, just ask the nurse, and I'll be there, okay?" I nod, too tired to think about the exact meaning of her words. I feel that I'm losing consciousness.

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Drowning… I feel like I'm lying in the ocean. My consciousness can be described as a wave, down under, but never for a very long time. It's not really sleeping, it's more like slumbering. Images in my head, more images than I can handle. Still, they are unconnected. Lighter, drugs, but now more of them. Burns, locker room… Warrick… Lindsey… Lindsey yelling at me, but I can't hear words. Sara… sitting on the floor, looking at me. I wonder why, but I can only guess. Darkness. A dark, cold room, no joy, no laughter. Just cold as ice. Is it my room? My home? Has Sara been to my home recently? I don't know...

I'm awake now, thinking madly about the connection. It's like making a thousand piece puzzle of a blue sky without the box, without an example. I try to get back to Lindsey because I miss her. I wonder why she is not here; I want my darling girl next to me. Does she know that I'm in the hospital? Does she know what happened to me? Where is she? I almost want to press at the alarm-button, but realize that it will make no sense. They won't tell me anyway and first, I have to know things for sure. I moan. The pain is coming again, waving through my head. I know it wants to knock me unconscious again, but I won't let it. I bite on my lip, swallow deeply, and try to focus on my breathing. The pain is fading away and I sigh of relief.

_Get back to Lindsey. _

What did she yell at me? Memories... blurry memories, but I try to make them more sharp. She's standing there, in my room, and she's angry. No, she's furious. I try to focus on her words.

_"...I wished that I had another mother! You're... ...I want someone else... ...tired of you. You're so... ...Leaving."_

Bad mother… other mother. She left me?

_Fuck_.

The thoughts come back, partly. My little girl has left me... I'm convinced that she has. I try to convince myself that she just had some sleeping-party with a friend, but another memory draws my attention. Clothes… no clothes in her closet. I remember myself standing there, in her room... all her clothes are gone, at least the ones she wears a lot. She's gone? Lindsey… where is she? Have I been looking for her? Of course I have but... I didn't find her, right? I try to get my memory from the moment she yelled to me to now, but... there are black holes in it. Lindsey is not in the memory.

But how is she related to all the other memories? Lighter... that seems to be really important. Did she smoke? She has smoked a cigarette, but I feel that that is not the right connection. I feel that I have done things with it, and no one else. Have I been smoking? I can't imagine that, I haven't smoked in weeks. Burning things? Documents? I can't remember anything of it... and _what_ documents would I have been burning? I have no idea...

I am Catherine Willows, lying in a hospital bed, with a concussion and second degree burns. I probably haven't taken care of myself in the past few days, Sara told me that I have been dehydrated and haven't eaten in days. Have I been kept somewhere? Kidnapped? But what has Sara got to do with it? She was there, with me, in the dark room. Has she been kidnapped too? I don't remember anything of that, and how would Sara and I end up somewhere alone? I'm not her supervisor, I haven't worked with her in months and Ms. Sidle and I are not the closest friends in the world. And I don't see Sara as a kidnapper... And if she was, she wouldn't be allowed to talk to me; she would go straight to the Police Department. See? I can think straight.

I yawn, and feel that I'm getting tired again. I beg my body not to give up now; I feel that I'm very close to the solution. It doesn't listen. My head seems to be filled with emptiness, thoughts can't enter in. My head feels very heavy and I fall asleep again.

I wake up by the sound of some machine next to me. A door opens, footsteps coming closer to me. The sounds become louder, still I don't feel panic. Someone is standing next to me, I can feel it. I can hear the person's breathing. She's doing something, and I know I have to open my eyes to see it. Suddenly, she starts to talk.

"I'm going to replace your IV. Don't worry; it will take me just a few seconds."

Is she aware that I'm awake? And who is she? I flutter with my eyes to get a picture of her. I think she's a nurse, she wears some uniform. She's doing something with the wires, but shortly after that, she looks at me.

"You're awake..."

I nod. I feel that I'm awake enough to have a conversation, and I want to have one with her. I want to know what happened, Sara is not talking. Maybe if I ask the right questions, the nurse will tell me. She is done with her job and takes a seat next to my bedside.

"How are you feeling?"

Again, the same question and I feel that I will hear this question for a lot in the future. I have to tell her that I'm fine, because I fear that she won't answer my questions if she will know how I feel now.

"My head hurts..."

I look at my hand that has not been connected with an IV and touch it. I feel that the bandage is still there. The nurse takes my hand and lays it on the bed again.

"Don't touch it. You'll make it worse."

Her hands are warm and I feel bad that she lets my hand go. Human contact is good when you're lying alone in a dark room for such a long time. The nurse smiles at me. I swallow, and think very hard what I should ask now. I feel that she want to tell me something, she is nice.

_The lighter._

The lighter is the key, I feel it. "Where's the lighter?"

I look at her and I feel her shock. She remains silent, probably thinking of what she's going to say to me. "Well, it is not here. If you want to burn yourself again, you will not succeed. You just need your rest now."

I burnt myself? How? Accidentally or... intentionally? I let her words replay in my mind. Want to... right? So... intentionally. I tried to burn myself? Kill myself? Sara was there? I need to talk to her. I want to hold Lindsey; I want her close with me, saying that everything is going to be fine.

Is she frightened? Is she here? Sara told me that there were visitors for me... is she there? Has she come back? I want to know, but on the other hand, I don't know what I look like right now. I must look horrible, at least I feel that way. And what use am I to her now? The only thing I can do is talk for five minutes, after that I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep again. I can only blink with my eyes, move my hands and lay here. Shall I ask the nurse to bring her in? And what is she going to say? What if she says things that prove that I'm completely wrong about this? What if she's still angry? Starts to yell? Starts to cry? Can I handle that?

I don't know and I think it's probably better to... ask for Sara. Hasn't she told me that I can call her anytime I need her? I clear my throat. "Is... Sara still there?" I hope she will know who Sara is.

The nurse thinks and looks at me again. Eyes full of pity; I hate the way everyone is looking at me lately. "Yeah, she's here, waiting in the hallway. You want to see her?" I nod, and bite on my lip. I need to stay awake, awake, awake. I can't fall unconscious again.

"There's a man waiting for you too. I can send him in if you want..."

A man? Who is waiting for me?

And suddenly, I realize it all. Suddenly I have the whole picture clear. I want to cry... and I do. I feel a cold shiver razing through my body, starting at my back, flowing to every part of me. Every part of me turns from warm to cold as ice. I fear that the nurse will notice... I look away from her. I don't want to see anyone right now; I don't think I can face them. Tears are filling my eyes, and I feel that the lump in my throat is growing. I start to sob, because now I realize _why_ I am here.

_I tried to kill myself... because... he left me. He fucking left me, and now he's back. He's back because I tried to kill myself. What does he think about me? He must hate me now, doesn't he? I wish I had killed myself; I wouldn't be in this situation... I wish I was dead. I cannot see him; I cannot see my little girl. And I don't think I can see Sara either now. She knows, and now that I know... Sara was the one that stopped me. And I have treated her so wrong... I have said the most horrible things to her, to make her leave and she should have left me but... she couldn't help it. I must... I don't know what to do... I wish that... they would just leave me alone. I want to be alone..._

The nurse holds my hand, in an attempt to comfort me. I fake a small smile and she thinks that I'm fine again. That's what I hope, at least.

"You okay?"

I nod to her. "Shall I send the woman in for you?"

I shake my head, but I do it so fast that it hurts. Both of my hands clamp my temples, I close my eyes with the greatest effort, a frown appears on my forehead. I moan, try not to think about it, try to focus on something. I start to count, maybe that will help. One, two, three, four, five, six... It doesn't cover the pain. I can't focus on anything else, it's just there and only it is there. Nothing helps to stop the pain... it's waving again. It's almost as bad as contractions, you know they _will_ come, you just don't know _when_. I'm suffering from the same, I know that the pain will leave, but I don't know when, I don't know if it will become worse or not, if it will hold seconds, minutes or even... hours.

I start to breathe fast; I have no idea why, my body just makes my breathing uncontrollable, but I hope that the pain will leave me; I'm hoping that that will help. The nurse comes closer, and calls my name. I don't want to react; I want to be unconscious... I can't face anyone right now.

"Ms. Willows... open your eyes. Please look at me."

Even if I had wanted to, I couldn't. I let them close, and suddenly, my breathing is back to normal.

"Send her in."

I whisper the words, without opening my eyes. I feel that she is leaving and I prepare myself for the most difficult conversation I will ever have.

* * *

The door opens again, and I don't look at it. My eyes are still closed, I don't pretend that I'm sleeping, just eyes closed, head turned away from the doorway. I hear footsteps coming my way, a chair being moved, placed at the side of the back of my head. A sigh. And silence. Heavy silence, combined with the heart monitor. I have some kind of feeling... this is not Sara, but I can't proof it. I don't want to move, and actually I don't want to talk either. I guess I have to... I have to face the outside world _sometime_. I think Sara has been mean to me by not telling me the truth. If she had told me why I was here, I wouldn't have... I wouldn't have been so insecure, not knowing...

I hear the person move. "Catherine..."

It's Grissom.

_Shit... _

I have no idea how I am going to react. I think he's even worse to talk to... compared to Sara, at least. Sara knew what was going on, Sara knows the truth, at least that is what I think. I turn my head, even though I actually don't want to. I want him to leave me alone, but, deep inside, I know that it is better for me that he is there. I catch his eyes, and find mixed emotions in them. Disappointment, sadness. I hoped to find some sympathy, but I can't find it. Not even worry. I am craving for support; I can't use the harsh look in his eyes. I am begging for a little understanding, but those eyes are not giving me that. I feel that I am slipping, slipping again. And I don't want to, but I can't control myself. He looks at me, concerned now.

"Why?"

Just one word, one question. But the undertone... so much depth in one question. I think... try to think, but I can't find an answer. My lips start to tremble, my hands shake. And then I start to cry. Really out of control. I have no idea what happened to me, and I don't know where all those tears are coming from suddenly, but... when I think back, I feel such emptiness inside of me. I am shaking, I can't help it. I have to tell him, he has to understand me. "I... I did it... I tried..." My eyes are completely wet. He is patient, waiting for me. I try not to move, I try to be careful: I feel that my head is going to hurt again. My hand moves to my eyes, it dries the tears. It doesn't stop the flood of fluid.

"I... I did it because... my life, it's just... Warrick... I... I didn't know what to do anymore and then... I took the lighter and... tried to burn myself, kill... I know... it was selfish but... I couldn't do it anymore... I know that everyone is so mad at me and... hates me and doesn't want to see me but... you must understand, it was my only option."

My lips tremble, but I manage to stop the sobbing. I can't look at him again; I know that he is disappointed. I feel that he is thinking what to say to me. I bite my lip, knowing that I am not going to like _what_ he is planning to say to me. I am preparing myself.

"Suicide doesn't solve your problems, Cath, you know that. I have heard you talking about suicide victims so many times, and now you do it yourself. You know what you are going to do, right? You have to talk to a lot of people, _if_ you want to keep your job. I am sorry to say this to you, but I think everyone doubts you right now. Personally, I don't, I think you just had a lot of problems lately, but... I don't understand. Usually you seem so strong, so confident, and look at you now. You can barely lift your head; you can't even look at me. You need to see a PEAP counsellor, a psychologist, you have to talk to Ecklie, Atwater... and this is just for starters. And... of course you need to talk to Warrick. You know you-"

I can't handle it anymore. I know that he is right about it; I just can't hear it anymore. "Please stop. I know it." I am begging him. I feel that the tears are coming again, and I try not to hide them anymore. My hands cover my eyes, and I sob again. He is quiet, but after some time, he places his hand on my shoulder.

"Hey... don't get me wrong, I just hadn't expected this. Why didn't you call for help? You know that we would have been there for you."

I shocked him, I think. And now I feel so stupid, I _could_ have asked for help, but who? Not someone from work, since there would be all the rumours. And I don't trust shrinks either, so that's no option. I feel so terrible now, knowing he is right, I should have talked to someone. I close my eyes. Silence falls again. I can hear him thinking what to say now, and I really hope for some support, because I can't do it all on my own. I look at him, but he is looking away from me. He _is_ thinking. After a while, he looks at me.

"How are you?"

I smile; this is really something from him, a big step. Not the best phrase he could think of, he could have imagined how I feel right now, but at least something _nice_.

"I'm fine..."

When I say these words, my face flinches of the pain, not only my head, but my whole body hurts. I scream quietly, and it's going away. I know that I'm awake for too long now, that I should sleep. I bite on my tongue, I am not going to let him see how I feel, I must be strong. I breathe through my nose. When I'm feeling okay again, I smile at him.

"Bad lie?"

He nods, without smiling back. My stomach hurts, I am feeling hungry. What did Sara tell me? That I haven't eaten anything since... days ago? She could be right... He wants me to be honest, right?

"Do you have something to eat for me?"

"What do you want?"

I shrug carefully. "What do you have?"

He looks in his pocket, and shows me an apple. I nod. He places it in my hand, and I take a bite out of it. The sweet fluid tastes good; the lack of water has taken its toll. When I have eaten half of it, I look at it. I'm not hungry anymore. Or actually: the real reason is that I'm too tired to eat. My hands shake, he notices.

"Should I drop it in the trash for you?"

"Mhm..."

It's the only thing I can say right now, words are too difficult. He walks to the trash and comes back to me.

"I think you should sleep now, okay?"

"Hm..."

I want to hug him; I want some real human contact. I know he doesn't like it, but for me, he may do it. He is standing next to me, his hand on the back of the bed. I bend forward, lift my arms, and give him half of a hug. He looks somewhat awkward, but I am used to that, he is Gil Grissom after all. He lets me go, and walks to the door. With his hand on the handle, he turns to me again.

"Warrick is waiting for you. He's very concerned. If you're ready, just ask the nurse to send him in. He's not mad at you."

I open my eyes to stains and smile weakly as Grissom closes the door.

* * *

**Please leave a review :) Thanks!**


	3. Between the Shadows

**A/N: **This is the temporaly version of the chapter, Dana is betaing it as well and I want to compare it. So maybe I am going to change it in the next few days but the changes will be little, some words maybe. It has been a while with this story, but finally, the chapter is finito. I can promise you that one chapter and an epilogue will follow. Thanks for all your support. That means: Readers, Reviewers, Dana, Cybrokat, Sara Sidle Grissom and... everyone I forgot. :) Love you.

This chapter is dedicated to every Latin class I have taken in my life. It has improved my language so much. Thanks to my teachers, and Mr. Ovid. :)

* * *

**Chapter 3**

I wake up after a long time of sleep. The room is dark around me. Or no, I realize that I still haven't opened my eyes. I move my hand to the top of the sheets, my left hand to be specific, and squeeze my other arm. I feel warm, but not in a feverish way, just warm. I take that as a good sign and give myself a smile. Not that anyone will see it, but just to myself. I know that it would be better for me to fall asleep again. If I do, at least I don't have to think about... everything, I don't want to become aware of every thought I had again. And my head still feels heavy beacuse of the tiredness. So, as I think about it, sleep itself would be a very good idea. Though I know it won't solve anything: I can't sleep forever, I can't stay here for the rest of my life, until I'll die of age.

I know why I am here, and I don't want to be reminded or be honest to myself. I don't want to think, I don't want to talk, not to a shrink, not to a doctor and certainly not to a friend. I am alone, I can feel that. I don't hear a second breathing, no presence in this room. I want to open my eyes, I want to see the world around me. I don't feel the urge to sleep anymore, as long as I don't have to talk, I don't have to think. If I can focus on my vision, I can hide my fear, I can hide my thoughts. The absense of pain, at least the absense of the killing, all-destroying pain in my head, the pain that makes you want to crawl back in unconsciousness... It tells me that at least my body agrees with me. I am getting better, physically.

I slowly open my eyes, then blink and the world shapes from vague blotches to a clear picture. I haven't moved my head yet, I am looking to the white wall opposite of me. The fluorescent light above me is off, but the room is well-lit. I see a shadow on the wall, I think it's the shadow of a curtain or something like that. Bright sunlight is coming from the window on the left behind me. I turn my head away from the light, my eyes can't handle the brightness and I fear a headache coming on.

To be honest with myself, I actually feel good, physically at least. I don't want to think about the things that happened in the days behind me, I know that I have to come to terms with it _sometime_ but not now. I want to lock the thoughts away as long as possible. I hear a sound and become aware of my own heartbeat. The beeps of the monitor behind me are calm, controlled and very regular. I smile, it gives me confirmation that I am not that sick anymore. I swallow, my mouth is dry. I feel strong enough to get out of my bed, to pour some water, maybe even to take a glimpse of the rest of the hospital.

My intuition tells me that I can't do anything with my right hand, it's better to leave it on the bed. When I look at it I know that I am right: an IV needle is connected to my skin, held by a taped band-aid. The fluid that drips into my veins is clear, I have no idea what it is but I have some feeling that it contains painkillers. I move my left hand to the mattress, place it on the elbow down to my hand and try to push my weight on it. Suddenly, my body feels very heavy, too heavy to lift. God, that hurts, I have no idea why it costs so much power. All my weight is focussed on my hand now. I can't take this anymore. My head feels dizzy, I start to loose contact with the world.

_Must continue. Must stay awake_.

I know I have to give it up. I let myself fall on the bed again. I feel miserable, why can't I do anything? Why does my body react the way it does? Why can't I just sit upright? Normally, I would be able to at least sit up. The only thing I can do now is lay down. I close my eyes and think. Think about the things I can do now. And every thought leads to the same: I must talk to him.

Everything will change. My thoughts I managed to push away, but when he comes, I would become fragile. I won't be able to hide my feelings, I won't be able to fool him that everything is fine and that all I did was a mistake. I was not able to fool Grissom, or Sara, or even the nurse. He knows me, so I know that it would be useless to even _pretend_ that I am fine. I don't want to break down, but I know that, once I am crying, I won't stop anymore. Though I don't want people to see the vulnerable side of me. Not even now. I move my hand to the side of the bed, the side where the alarm button will be. I move my head so that I can see it. I place my index finger on the red button and hesitate. Some nasty voice in the back of my head makes me push it.

_You need to talk sometime... the time is now. _

Some time later, a nurse walks in the room. I look at her. She's very young, I think she hasn't even entered her twenties yet. She walks to me, comes closer to my bed and stays almost meter away from it.

"Everything alright with you?"

I nod, and in fact I am telling her the truth. Apart from the fact that I can't even sit upright, I am not _really_ in pain, I can think, and all the monitors seem to be fine.

"Yeah. I... I actually want to see... I want to talk to Warrick."

My voice sounds a bit hoarse, I really could use something to drink. She looks at me and backs up. She walks to the sink, takes a glass out of the cupboard and pours the glass for me with water. She places it on the table next to my bed and takes a switch, connected to an electric wire. "Mind if I put the upper side of your bed a little higher? It's better for drinking..." Before I even answered her question, she started to lift me up.

My body is put in a 140 degree angle, and it feels good. I can look around, but still linger on my pillow. It just feels a little more human. The nurse hands me the glass and I start to drink quite quickly. When my glass is empty, I give the glass to her. "Thank you." She puts it on the sink and smiles to me. "I'm going to look for the guy you want to see..." She turns around and walks away.

Now the only thing I can do is prepare myself, though I have not a clue how. I just hope he will come quickly, because the more I think about it, the more upset I become. I already feel the tears burning behind my eyes, and I know they aren't there because of the physical pain. I close my eyes, waiting for him.

The door opens, I hear footsteps. They stop, and I feel that he's standing there, looking at me. I sigh and open my eyes and look at him. He is standing there, close to my bed, hands beside his body. He looks a little lost, almost defeated. I can feel that he doesn't know what to do, he's just standing there and I see that he's almost crying. I want him to come to me, caress my cheeks, hold me, telling me that everything is okay. The thing that a mother does with her child, the things my mother never did with me... Though I know that it is untrue, everything won't be okay, at least not now.

I swallow and realize that there are tears slipping on my cheeks too. I can't say anything at the moment, it's just too much. His hand moves to me, he touches the air like he's touching my aura. Then he comes over to me and settles down on the edge of the bed. He takes me by my shoulders, carefully and suddenly, he's holding me closely in his arms. I burry myself into his chest, sobbing. I can hear his heartbeat, and in some way it calms me down. He's soothing me, whispering things I can't understand. Stroking my hair with his hands, it feels like he'll never let me go, ever again. I feel a little safer, and my unabashed crying softens a little. He holds me like this, my skin on his shirt. His warmth surrounding me. I don't know about the time, but it feels like forever.

By the time he lets me go, he still holds my hand tight between his own. He caresses my skin and I grab his fingers closely. They are my only hold. I look at the sheet of my bed, unable to look at his face. I feel that the lump in my throat is coming again and that I probably will be crying again, uncontrolable.

"I'm so glad you're okay... I thought that you were dead... I'm so glad that you're still here..."

Things like this he says to me, in whispers, between his sobs, and that makes me cry even more. I have been so selfish, and now I know that he really cares about me. I bend my head down.

"I'm so sorry..."

I burst it out and hold my breath to control my breathing. He kisses my cheek, with great care. I really don't know why he is so sweet right now, he should be mad, he should never forgive me. Instead of anger, he holds me, cries... He even doesn't seem disappointed. It should calm me down, I know that that's his intention, but in fact, it upsets me even more. I bite on my lip.

"Shh, Cath, it's okay... it's okay... don't think about it now. It's okay..."

I want to believe it, oh, how I wish I could just nod and believe that it's fine. But I just can't take it anymore, I don't want to pretend, I don't want to hold the facade. And I know that it's _not_ okay. I move my gaze to him and with tears in my eyes, I look at him. My eyes catch his. "No... it's not okay." I shake my head to show him how I feel. He squeezes my hand, moves his fingers though mine and looks at me. Comfort-smile.

"Cath? You need to know... whatever you did... I am not mad at you."

Silence. Deep silence. I really don't know what to say, but I figure that if I tried, I couldn't: my throat is choked with tears. He's not mad at me... I really don't know why. I think this reaction is even worse that Gil's... Gil was disappointed...but honest. And right. I have no idea why Warrick tells me these things. Does he say it because he means it... or because he wants to comfort me? I can't ask him right now and I don't want to think about it if I am honest to myself.

Lindsey... where is she? Is she alright? Is she back? Is she here too? I want to see her, I desperately want to hold her in my arms, even if it was only for one minute. I swallow my tears down again and face him. My lips form her name, I don't have the strength to speak.

He holds my face in his right hand, dries my tears with his fingers. I close my eyes and he kisses my eyelids carefully. He moves with his hand through my hair, cautiously avoiding the bandage around my head, and sits back, looking for my hand. He caresses the skin and holds my fingers in his hands. He shakes his head really slowly.

"Cath, I don't think it's a good idea for you to see her now. You're still pretty sick, I don't think it's good for you. I don't want to upset you."

Upset me? Does he think I am not upset enough? Lindsey would make me feel better, absolutely, he should know it, and I think he does. Why is he keeping her away from me? Oh God... she's mad at me... She read the letter, she thinks... she will think... oh my. She'll think it was because of her, because the fact that she ran away. But that's not it! That's not true!

_Is_ she here? Grissom hinted that Warrick was here, but... he didn't refer to her. _Oh damn_... what if she's still missing? What if... what if she ran away to... what if she isn't in Vegas anymore! I... I really don't think I can survive without her... I just need to see her, it's not just a longing anymore. I need to. I look at him, and make eye contact.

"Is... is she here?"

He silences for quite some time, looking away from me. That's not a good sign, is it? What if... what if he doesn't know it either? What if... what if she is dead? That thought makes me sick, the image of Lindsey, lying in a cold, dark morgue. I breathe in, heavily and hold my breath. My head feels really light now. I close my eyes. Flashes of light, in my head. When I try to open them again, they feel so heavy, like the eyelids are glued to the underside. I want to lift my head, but I can't. My whole body feels pressed down to the mattress. Suddenly, everything is dark again.

Face touching. Something warm on my face. That's the first thought I have. I hear a moan. Oh, that must have been me...

"Catherine...?"

I hear a voice, saying my name. So far away, I am not sure that I heard it correctly. I try to ignore it.

"Catherine!"

The voice comes closer, but I don't want to listen, I want to keep my eyes closed. I just want to be unconscious, so tired... so damn tired. I frown, hoping the person will get the sign.

"Cath, you're awake? Come on girl, look at me. Please Cath, look at me."

Is that... Warrick? Suddenly I realize where I am. Hospital. Having a conversation with him, rudely interrupted by... I don't know. I just know that I feal so heavy, so tired. I want to lift my hand but I can't. I open my eyes, just to stare

"Oh, thank God... you're awake..."

His index finger caresses my chin, softly but not ticklish. I clear my throat and a cough escapes from my mouth. I am lying down again, not upright but fully stretched. My eyes quickly move around the room. It's empty, except for him.

_What the hell happened?_

"I... what happened?" My voice is quivering, trembling. He places a kiss on my cheek. "Honey, you fainted... I think it's better for you to sleep now, this is all too much for you at this moment. I will stay here until you're asleep and then I'll leave. Okay?"

Leave me? Please... no leaving. I don't want to be alone... I... am scared. My thoughts return. Lindsey... I still don't know where she is...

"But... Lindsey..." I will never be able to sleep if I don't know where she is... I have to know if she's fine... or not.

"Is at Greg's place. Long and complicated story, but when we found out that... well, that you were here, Nick and Greg started looking for her. And they found her. She... she knows what happened to you, she's very upset. I don't think she's ready to see you... but she's coming as soon as possible. She's fine, Cath, she's fine. Now please... sleep, because that's what's the best for you..."

I am not ready to sleep, at least not mentally. I have no peace of mind, I will never be able to sleep, not yet. I open my eyes fully and look at him. I want to convince him that I can't, that I haven't found ease yet. "But-"

"Cath, please. We'll talk later, okay? We have _time_, just please, do what's best for you."

I want to protest, but it doesn't work: I _am_ too tired. I nod and close my eyes. I hear him, so I open my eyes again. He has taken the chair from the corner and sits on it. He takes my hand and caresses it. He's not looking at me, I think he's staring and thinking. He makes me feel safe. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

I wake up harshly, cold and hot at the same time. My breathing sticks in my throat. My heart is beating so fast, I don't only hear it with the tones of the monitor but I feel it too.

I'm scared. I know what happened... dreaming, I went through all of it again, and I will go through it again and again... and again. It was almost like I was looking from a downward angle on myself... I was burning my skin again. Looking onto myself, I could feel my skin burning again. I wanted to stop myself, but I couldn't, I just couldn't come closer to me.

Shortly after, I was standing on the graveyard, looking at my own grave. Next to my grave was his. I know that, floating on the sky, I was not afraid, I actually felt relieved. Until that moment... until the moment that I saw _her_, lingering at my tombstone. She was totally dressed in black. I knew that it was my daughter. She had been crying and I knew that she still was.

For one moment I thought I was dead, looking at my own child, moarning at the loss of her mother. Where would she go? Who is left for her, to catch her, to... love her? But my angelic self just smiling at her.

Black.

Then, I was lying in my hospital bed again. I was conscious, I could hear everything, only my eyes were closed, for some reason I couldn't open them. Everything the doctors said I heard. Suddenly, _he _was there, standing at my bedside. He... told the doctor that it was hopeless, that he wanted to give me up. Warrick Brown told the doctor that he lost hope. I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to shake him, tell him that I wasn't dead, but he just stood there and... then the machines stopped. One monotome beep and I was gone. Away for good.

And now I am awake, that's what I think. I don't think I am dead, but suddenly I realize how close I have been. How easily I could have died. My lips start to shake, I don't want it but it happens. And I am so cold... cold sweat is present on my forehead, and on the shirt I am wearing. I breathe heavily to make the fear go away. In out, in out, in out.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. And an embrace, two hands lifting me from my pillow and pressing me close to himself. Someone is holding me tight... and I start to cry against the shoulder. "Sh... just cry, please cry... it's okay now. It was just a dream, you're safe now. You're safe..." He stayed? He stayed at my bedside until I woke up? I linger against his shirt, wetting it with my tears. Every thought floods through my mind and I just know one thing: I need to talk to him. If I don't, I will stay this way forever...

I lift my head and look at him through the tears. "I wanna talk..." I can only whisper.

He nods at me. I think about what to say, how to explain all of this. I know that I can't, I know that I should have searched for help, that all of this shouldn't have happened. That it was wrong what I did. On the other hand, I didn't know what to do anymore. I hope that at least he understands it, that... I don't know _what_ I want, partly I want to be accepted, partly I don't want it. I just want to talk, explain myself.

"I just... I was... I didn't know what to do anymore... I... lost you and I couldn't handle that. It was all my fault, I... I am... _was_ your supervisor and... I should never have done such things, I... am responsible for all this and I am so sorry... so sorry..." One single tear slides over my face. He touches my cheek and slips the tear away with his thumb.

"And then I saw you, using... damnit Warrick, I saw you, at the back of the... you were using drugs. I saw you, with that needle... I didn't know what to do... I was looking for you, I went to your apartment, it was a mess. You don't know how much I cried in those days... you can't imagine... But I didn't care, I wanted to see you... I wanted to talk to you, say you that I was so sorry... I still _wanted_ you... only to hold me, to comfort me. When I passed you in that hallway... you didn't even look at me. You just pretended that I wasn't there... I felt so... empty... so empty..."

His hand lays on my shoulder and warms it. It slowly caresses down to my hand. He's quiet, and I appreciate that. I clear my throat and continue.

"When... when I realized what I had done... I didn't know what to do anymore. It all seemed so dark, and I couldn't solve it. I know I should have talked to someone, I shouldn't have done this but when... when she... when Lindsey ran away... I just didn't know what to do anymore. I was desperate... I searched everywhere, at her friends, in the city... just everywhere, but she was not there. She didn't answer her cell phone... she was gone..."

He's watching me, almost observing. I can't look in his eyes, I don't want to know what they tell me. I think he's disappointed, if not more. I turn my head to the other side, I don't want to face him, and with my head turned, I can't. I mutter to the white wall I see.

"I am so sorry... I have been so selfish, I didn't know, I shouldn't have done it, I should have thought about... you... my daughter... but I just couldn't... I didn't know, but I want you to know... that... I am so sorry..."

There. I have said it all. Now he knows the story, he knows how I feel. I can only hope that he takes it well. I so hope that he will break the silence. I don't want to hear a speech like Grissom again, I know it. I know that what I have done is wrong. And I hope he knows that I know.

"Cath... I don't blame you. I..." Do I hear tears in his voice? "I just was so scared, I was so afraid when Sara called me. I stayed at Nick's place until I was ready to talk to you. I felt so guilty and I still feel it. I should have contacted you earlier, I should have come to you. But... I don't know why. I shouldn't have ran away, I am so sorry. I'm sorry for what I have done, I shouldn't have walked away, I shouldn't have started using drugs. I shouldn't have taken that OD. But I can't change time. You just have to know that... I am not angry, I will... love you, no matter what you do, no matter what you say."

"Don't say that..." Now I am really crying. Why is he so damn sweet to me? Why? And why does he still love me? I don't want to... or maybe I do but I just can't understand it. I can't understand why he still loves me, and I don't want him to tell me lies. He moves to the other side and kneels down at my bed. With his hand on my unlaid pillow, he kisses my nose. "Shhh... you can cry... if you want to."

And I do. For the first time I really let my tears flow. He holds my hand in both of his hands, and lets me cry. For the rest of the time, I don't think at all, I just cry.

After I feel better, I look up at him and my eyes meet his. I give him a smile. He doesn't smile back, he just looks at me sincerely. "Please... don't scare me again. Promise me that you won't do such thing again. Please."

I want to tell him that I won't, that everything is going to be fine. But I can't. I can't say such things. I can't promise him that I won't do it again. I swallow and look at his hands. His hands that are on my bed. "I... I can't promise."

He makes me look at him, with his index finger under my chin. He shakes his head. "Cath, you can. Promise me that you won't do it again. Please..."

I can't look into his eyes, I just can't face him. With my eyes closed, I nod. "I'll try."

I feel that it's not enough. I don't see him, but I feel that he's shaking his head. I get confirmation soon. "No, don't try. Promise me. Please..." His voice sounds weak, for the first time I hear that he's really broken. _I hurt him_. A tear slips down my temple to my bedsheet. Drip. I don't want to cry, I try to hold the burning tears where they belong.

Suddenly, I realize that all these weeks... it's not what I want. I really want to live, to love. To be loved. And then, I realize that I _can_ promise him. "I... I promise you... if you stay with me... please..."

I can do it, with him. I open my eyes and see that he's smiling at me. He doesn't say anything, but I can feel that he's... relieved. Maybe even happy in some way. I smile back at him. He moves forward, still sitting on his knees, and kisses me. On my mouth, softly, not close to the kisses we used to share. But I know that this means so much more. His lips move away from mine. He stands up and looks at me. "I'm going to get Lindsey... if you still want to see her. You can get some rest. I'll be back very soon. Okay?"

Now I have said it, I can be alone again without being afraid. I nod. He walks away without looking back to me. I close my eyes and try to get some rest before my daughter comes in.

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If you want to, leave a review. I'll be very grateful :) 


	4. White

**A/N:** This is the last chapter of this fic, one epilogue will follow. I think I already know what to write in it, but if you have suggestions, they are welcome. I am going to thank everyone personally at the end of the story, but for now, thanks to: readers, reviewers, Trialia for the title, Sara Sidle Grissom for the first reading, Binx349 for the betareading. Thank you guys!

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**Chapter 4**

"Mom?" Someone wakes me up. I don't want to… I just want to sleep, pretend that I have not heard her call me. Who is that anyway?

Then I hear it in my head, again. Mom. This must be… Lindsey… Lindsey is here! I open my eyes as quick as I can. Ceiling. White ceiling. I turn my head to her. What has happened to my little girl? She looks so old now… she's changed.

Her eyes are bordered with black. And her hair… what happened to her hair? It's a lot shorter now, and it's black! My daughter had dyed her hair black! She's wearing a pink sweater I have never seen before. It doesn't seem new though. She doesn't smile at me, she just looks at me, with those concerned eyes. I see that she had been crying, black shades are formed on her cheeks.

"Mom… are you okay?"

Okay? I try to focus on my own feelings, the feeling of my body. And actually I don't feel bad. Especially not since the conversation I had with Warrick. He really comforted me, we have a long road to go, but I want to try it again and I think that he feels the same way.

I smile at her. "Yeah, I'm fine sweetie…"

Though I want to know what the hell she did in the past days. I am actually really mad at her, but I just have to comfort her at the moment. I don't think I can imagine what kind of period she went through in the past few hours, hearing that her mom tried to kill herself because of… does she think that it was about her? Oh, maybe… she probably blames herself… she doesn't know that… that it was't about her, well it was, but she's not the one to blame.

She changes her position, shifts on her chair. Her hand moves to her hair, she wants to tuck the lock of hair behind her ear, but then she realizes that her hair is now too. She shakes her head, closes her eyes. I can see that she's biting on the inner side of her lip. She's going to say something.

"Mom…"

When she looks at me I can see that she's about to cry. Her eyes are shining with the light from the window. "I'm sorry…"

She swallows, I guess she is trying really hard to push away her tears. "I never meant this with… running away. I just… I just thought that you… It was't fair you were just so mean to me, I couldn't stay, I thought… I just had to get away. And then you… just. You just tried to kill yourself. I never meant it _that_ way… when I said I wanted another mother, I didn't mean that you should…"

She finishes her sentence, with putting her face in her hands. Her shoulders are shaking. I can't see it, I can't face my daughter suffering so much, even though I think what she did was wrong. I try to place my hand on her shoulder, but can barely reach her. I know that I have to be strong right now, I have to calm her down a little. She looks up. I reach my hand to her, opened, palm directed to the ground. She hesitates, unsure what to do. I nod to her to tell her that it's okay. She takes it and I pull her to myself. She silently climbs on the bed and cocoons herself to me. I stroke her hair.

"Shh, don't cry now. It's going to be fine, I'm… I'm not mad, I'm… was… just worried about you. You… I really want to know what you did this week, but I'm willing to wait until you are ready. Okay?"

I don't feel anything, I just have to comfort her. I focus on that thought. Comfort. That's what she needs. She's shaking of the weeping. Her back to my stomach. I press her against myself with my hand. She turns around and looks at me.

"Mom… you're crying…"

I move my hand to my eyes, touch my cheeks. Fluid. I hadn't noticed it. "Shh, it's okay… okay?" Now I pay attention, the tears are really flooding over my cheeks. In silence.

Lindsey calms down a little, at least her body stops shaking. She moves her hand to the mattress to sit upright. She turns to me, one leg curled under her, the other swinging beside the bedside. She holds herself with one hand to the bed. Her other on my cheek, caressing it, wiping away the tears. "Mom… it's okay. I'm not mad… I… I was so scared…" I close my eyes "Shh, it's okay hun…" I mutter. She breathes in, she's going to say something. I am waiting for the words that are coming, preparing myself for the things I am going to say in return.

"I… I want to tell you… I was… I hitchhiked to… Kathy. I met her on MSN. But… her parents agreed that I could stay there, but that I had to call you. And I couldn't, I was too mad. I stayed there for some days, then they said that I couldn't… be there anymore. I was all alone, her parents weren't nice at all. I didn't know where to go, so I started walking to… The Strip. It was so far… I walked for so long, and my bag was heavy, and I was tired. I saw a bench and I think I slept on it. Then I woke up by someone tapping on my shoulder. It was Greg. First I didn't want to go with him, but he promised me that he wasn't going to call you. He drove me to his apartment, but I forgot my bag of clothes, I left it at the bench, I think. I could wear some of the clothes of the girl-next-door, Andrea. After I showered, I came to the living room. Nick was there too. They said that you had tried to kill yourself but that you were okay. I didn't get it at the first, but later, I… I was so afraid. I mean… you just killed yourself because I was away. Because I left you. Well, I was mad at you, but… I just wanted you to know that I didn't agree with you. I… don't want another mother…"

I listened to her story without interrupting her, but I feel that she is finished now. I open my eyes and look at her. She's sitting, her head bowed down. I have to tell her that it all was very wrong what she did, but I can't. Compared to what _I_ did, it's nothing. And I think she knows that it's wrong herself. I touch her leg, place my hand on the fabric of her pants. She looks at me. I force a smile and get a forced one back.

"Linds? I… there are some things I need to say to you. I… I'm so sorry. I mean… I should never have done… this. I can't explain to you why I tried it. But it just all happened in a moment where I felt really desperate. I just… thought that I had no option, but… I was wrong. I should have thought about you… I am just so sorry. Can you please… forgive me?"

She slowly nods and looks at me. "Of course I will, just… never do it again…"

I shake my head. "I'll promise you, okay? And… Linds? It… it wasn't your fault. I just had some problems I couldn't solve. Never think it was because of you, okay? Please, never blame yourself…"

She breathes in, looks at me with confusion. "But… wasn't it because of me?"

"No… well, partly, but it wasn't your fault. Just remember that, okay?"

She seems surprised. For one moment she doesn't know what to say. "Oh. Okay. So… you're not mad at me?"

"No… I just want you to know that it was dangerous… and I hope you will never think about it again, but I am not mad…"

Silence falls between us. I think about the things that she has said. I don't think I can ask her what she did in those days that she was away, at least not now. Partly I want to know it, partly I don't, because I know how much I will freak out if I knew. I already imagine my daughter, lying on a bench in the park, tired, smelling, homeless. Hopeless.

Honesty is not always a good thing. Sometimes, something fake, like a smile or a gesture, can make someone feel so much better. And is that wrong? I doubt it.

"Mom?" She wakes me up from my thoughts and I look at her. "It's because of Warrick, right?"

I'm astonished and distracted for one moment. _She knows?_ She gives me a little smile, a 'girl to girl'- one, "of course I noticed."

"You talked to him?"

"No… but… Greg told me, probably not everything, but that there was… something with him, and you."

She waits for my answer that she doesn't get. I am not going to discuss my 'something' with my daughter.

_She has a right to know. He was the reason, or actually, you were. She has a right to know the truth._

I can't kill the buzzing sound in my head. I feel that the mood is getting a little lighter, after the forgiveness and the confessions. We're going to begin with a clean slate. Start over.

"Okay. I was involved with him, and… something happened, I can't tell you what. But we're going to try again."

She nods. "Mom… I'm so glad to… that you're here."

"I'm so glad that you're here with me too, you have no idea how much you mean to me…"

She moves from the bed. "I think I should go now. I don't want to tire you and… they said that you needed to sleep." She walks over to me, and kisses me. Two hands on my cheeks, kiss on my mouth. "G'night mom…"

She walks to the door and turns around. I stare at her, thinking what to say. Goodnight… I don't even know what time it is. I send her a smile. "I love you…"

She nods and walks out of the door.

And so it goes. After severaldays of pending between black and white, sleep and awakeness, crying and laughing, they decide that I can go home. I am waiting for him, sitting on my bed. When he opens the door, I give him the most bright and radiant smile I have. He only nods, but I see that his eyes are twinkling. I shove myself off the bed, and walk towards him. He catches me in his embrace.

Silence, but not a heavy one. His hands around my shoulders, my head on his chest. He's treating me with care, he's not pressing me too tight to himself. Still, I don't feel an emotional distance-gap between us.

"We're going home."

He whispers in my ear and kisses the upper side of my earlobe. Gently. I loosen my hands around him and he lets me go. He hands me the coat that is hanging on the hanger on the closet. I put it on, he helps me by guiding my arm through the sleeve.

_Him. In my home. At least until I can take care of my own. I think I have to get used to the idea. That he will be around me all the time. Well, not all the time, not when I am sleeping in the afternoon, not when he's going to the psychologist. But more time than we used to spend together. _

"Cath?"

Oh. I was thinking. I turn to him and smile. I think all the way home, it will be plastered all over my face. Not that I am completely happy or okay, not at all, but today is a happy day and I want to remember it that way. Just because I want it to be.

I look at him and see that he is concerned. "Just thinking. Okay?" He nods and for the first time I see a weak smile. We have to give each other a little privacy, but we understand each other. Reading though the lines.

I look out of the window, blue sky with the white lines of plane, the sun already high in the sky.

My thoughts go back to him. I was surprised that Lindsey was okay with it. Him and me. She hasn't lived with a man since Eddie died. I have talked to my Mom. she's taking Lindsey from school. I will see her every other day. She'll go to school next week again. My mom talked to the head teacher, I was too tired to pick up the phone and explain things. But they completely understood and she can call for help. Anytime.

I have no idea how things are going to work out. I doubt I can keep my job, too much happened and I think that Conrad Ecklie is really going to be hard to convince that I still _can_ do it. Working as a CSI, I mean. I don't even want to supervise anymore, that confidential part of me is gone. Forever.

But as long as they are with me, things are going to be okay. First, I have to refind myself, work things out. Spend a lot of time, thinking about what I did and why. Especially why. Why I have fallen so deep, why I didn't search for help.

Suddenly, I feel hands on my waist. I inhale rapidly, just because I didn't see it coming. He lets me go.

"I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry…"

I turn around, shaking my head. "No, it's not that. It's just that… I'm not used to it. And I don't know if I am ready yet. I mean, the physical aspect of a relationship. That way. I don't know but… I… I just don't know. Okay?"

I hurt him. I can feel it. And I don't know why I said it, why I told him the stuff. But… it's true. I _am_ not ready. Maybe for hugs, falling asleep in his arms. But not for waistholding. Not if I don't see it coming. He nods. "Of course I'll wait."

He smiles at me, his eyes aren't broken. Maybe a little not used to the situation. "Come on. We're going home."

He takes my hand and walks me to the desk, where I sign out. Then he takes me to the wheelchair and puts me in it. Without saying a word, we're moving to the exit of the hospital.

Being home, I am too tired to do anything. He takes my coat off my shoulders, hangs it on the coat rack and when I look at him, he smiles. "You should go to bed." His words seem to come from very far, it takes me some time to understand what he really means. I want to nod but my head feels so heavy that I barely can lift it. "Is it okay if I lift you and carry you to bed?" I'm relieved that he understands, that I can't walk upstairs to my bed. "Yeah…" My voice is dejected with weakness.

He lifts me and carries me to the upstairs. I don't have the strength to worry about my weight, if he's strong enough to carry me upstairs. He places me on the bed, takes off my shoes and places the blanket on me. He kneels down at me. "I'll be around, if you need me, just call."

"Hm…"

"G'night." He places a kiss on the skin between my shoulder and neck and leaves the room, leaving the door ajar. A small ray of light enters the room. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

Days pass by. Often I lie in my bed, awake. Staring at the ceiling, thinking. Thinking about myself, thinking about him and her. About my life. From time to time, I have the courage to think about the 'hows' and 'whys'. Often I wake up crying, confused about what's real and what's not. Often I have bad dreams. I don't think I will ever become the person I was ever again.

Doorbell. I wake up and my first reaction is to change position, turning around and fall asleep again. Warrick will get it. Suddenly I realize that he's gone. He has his PEAP counselling session, he has talked to Grissom and they agreed that he could try again as a CSI. After he finished his sessions, of course, but it is a start.

I swing my feet off the bed and walk to the hallway. I stop at the mirror, move my hand through my hair. I don't look decent, but I don't care. I walk down the stairs and open the door.

Sara.

Standing in the doorway, with her black coat. "Can I come in?" I nod and she walks to the rack, hangs her coat on it and follows me to the living room. "Did I wake you?"

I nod. "Yeah, you did. But it's okay… I mean, I sleep a lot these days. I don't expect you to know my sleeping schedule."

She settles down in the chair and I walk to the kitchen. "Can I get you something to drink?" My hand is already on the handle of the fridge.

"Yeah… a soda would be nice."

I take two glasses from the cupboard and pour one with soda and the other with orange juice. I take them back to Sara, give her one and sit down on the couch myself.

"So… how are you?"

Even though she tries really hard to make it sound natural, I hear that she feels awkward. She doesn't have to comfort me, but still, I think it is nice that she does. Or tries.

"I'm okay. Under the circumstances. My head still hurts, but my injuries are healing quite well. My skin won't be scarless, but that's okay."

She smiles, knowing that this is not the whole story. "That's the physical part. Mentally?"

"I don't know. Sometimes, I feel okay, sometimes I… don't. I haven't set my appointment yet… with the psychologist, I mean."

She accepts my vague answer. I take a sip from my juice. I feel that she's not here without a reason. Not just because she wants to check me. But a little civilized talk is okay for me.

"How are things going on shifts?" Actually, I don't want to know, but work is everything for Sara. And it's one of the few things we have in common.

"Going well. Sofia moved to days and two from days came to swing. We're quite shorthanded but it works out fine."

She stares at me, scanning. Without a smile. On one hand I like it, because almost every time someone was looking at me, they smile with such piteous smile. Civilized talk is over, I realize.

"Cath… I want to know… the things you said when you… well, _Saturday_. You…"

She looks at me, unsure what to say. My eyes widen. I am not sure if I want to talk about it. Not with her, although she has a right to know things. She was there, with me.

"You… you said things. And I want to know… are they true? Do you really think that way?"

Where is she talking about?

"Sara, my memories are a bit… blurry. I'm sorry, but I don't remember everything. Just vague things. And I am not sure… about what I know… what's real and what's not. So, please… can you tell me again. It's not that… I'm denying, but… I just don't know."

I see that she is rapidly reshaping things in her head. "Oh… I thought. Well, if you're not ready, it's okay, but I just wanted to know."

"No… it's not that. Just tell me, I want to know…"

Which is true. I feel that I am strong enough to remember, or try to. It's not going to be pretty, but I am going to try to see things in perspective. Try to see things out of my mind, rationalizing. Often it helps me.

"You said that… Grissom and I were never… that he could never do it with me. That he… had… sex with Lady Heather. That I knew nothing about love…"

She swallows. It's as hard for her as it is for me. "And that you still blame me for… that Eddie's killer wasn't caught."

"I said that stuff?" A frown appears in my forehead. I really don't know that anymore. I remember vaguely that she was there. I haven't gone back completely, I want to postpone it as much as possible.

"Yeah… you told me. And of course, you were not yourself, but… I want to know; is this how you think about me?"

I don't hear madness in her voice, nor sadness. Just a hunger for an answer.

So I told her these things about Grissom and her? Why? It is not true, I… don't know what happened between him and Lady Heather, and I certainly think that he has a thing for Sara. But… who am I to tell her those things? And Sara, knowing nothing about love? Who am I to say those things?

Eddie. My first reaction on her was primal. I did blame her, but not anymore.

"I don't remember that I said it… but, if it is true… I had no right to say such things. And… no, I don't think I feel that way. Gil and you… I don't know. I am not the person to… I am not him. I shouldn't have spoken for him. And… Eddie. To be honest, I blamed you. But not anymore. Sara, I'm sorry…"

She stands up and I do the same. "Okay… that's all I needed to know. Thank you… for telling me this. I… should go now." She touches my shoulder. "Cath, take care of yourself."

I nod and she leaves. I sank down in the chair, thinking of the conversation.

That day, I get a call from Grissom. He asks me if I want to come to his home for 'something we have to discuss'. After I told him that I can't drive, he offers to pick me up. I agree, maybe spending some time out of my apartment will be good for me. I dressed myself, casually, I don't wear any makeup, but I doubt if he cares.

He knocks on my door and I open it. He smiles at me, and while I take my coat, he has already turned around. I open the door to the living room and tell Warrick that I am leaving. He comes to me and hugs me quickly. Then I turn from him and follow Grissom.

On the ride he decides that we're not going to his home, but to some café. I accept the fact, still a little scared of the world outside.

He orders two cups of coffee. In the meanwhile, I look around. The place is nice, not too big, not too modern. It's not one of the 'hot clubs' in Vegas. He comes back with the tray and gives me my mug. I warm my hands.

"Let's get to the point. I have talked to Ecklie about you and if you want to, you can come back. After your sessions, of course."

This was _not_ what I had in mind when he offered me to come. Coming back to work? Working again?

"How… how did Ecklie agree?" I am still somewhat shocked.

"Not, at the first. But I… let's just say that I let him no choice. You're going to work under my supervision and I will be very strict, different than I used to be with you. But… I think both of you deserve a second chance. As everybody does."

Oh. Suddenly, I remember how he wanted Sara back after she had been inappropriate with me. I look at him and I see the same glare as he gave me back then. He knows that I am thinking of it, although he doesn't say it.

"Gil… I am so thankul to you, I don't know what to say…"

He shrugs. "You have a long way to go, but I have faith in you."

I smile widely at him. "Best news in days. Actually I want to drink on it, but I don't think that it's a good idea in my situation."

"Ehm. No."

I lay my hand on his hand. "Gil… you better go to Sara. You have to make it up to her."

"I have to make it up to her?" Confusion fills his gaze.

"Yeah. I think I said some things… you have to show her that they are untrue. I think you should ask her out for dinner. She really deserves that."

He doesn't answer the question, and he doesn't need to. He has done enough for me. I finish my coffee and so does he. It prevents us from talking. I put my mug on the table, lean down to the back of my chair. I look up and move my hands through my hair.

"I already set your appointment. Tomorrow, two pm, Doctor Emily Hill." He hands me her card and I put it in my pocket without looking at it. "Thank you."

Awkward silence. "So…" I try to break it, but do not know what to say.

"How is Lindsey doing?"

"She's okay. Spending time with my mom. She's back to school. She… well, she's having a hard time, but she's okay. We're going to try again."

I smile, thinking of last night. When she made cookies and waited in my bedroom, until I woke up. Silently sitting in the corner, on my chair of clothes. Unknowing that I am awake, I looked at her. We ate them together. She told me about her day at school. I had practically nothing to tell her than I had been sleeping and reading a little. It was almost like the things we did together, years ago.

"And you?"

"I'm going to be okay."

The good thing is that I really mean it. I am going to be okay. No matter what it would take from me, or how long it is going to be, I am going to be okay again.

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**Please leave a review :)**


	5. Intimacy

**A/N:** This is the last chapter of this story. I feel two sides now, fighting. One side of me is very proudthat I finished my first story and is glad that it's done. The other side feels pity, I enjoyed writing this story so much, you can't imagine. Thanks to everyone involved, a short list is down there, in no order. Thanks to everyone I forgot to mention too. Thanks to Binx-349 for the beta.

This chapter is dedicated to the Nocent people, especially my namesharer Miri (GeekLoveFreak) and Lynn (Lynn Fox). Thanks gals:)

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**Epilogue.**

**Some weeks later**

Days pass me by, melting easily into weeks. After two-and-a-half week of Warrick's care, I decided that I can take care of myself again. It took me a while to be on my own again. Physically, I must have been able to live on my own after one week, but I couldn't. I couldn't get used to the idea to be alone in my home, with no-one to hold me when I was scared.

So, now I am sitting on the floor, my back to the radiator. I seem to be cold a lot these days. I even wear a fleece blanket around my back. The heat is coming, entering my lower back. Still, I don't feel warmth at all, my skin is warm, but coldness collides, and wins. I don't know what it is, but I seem not to be capable to keep myself warm, not since the day I tried to kill myself. I tried everything: blankets, vitamins, hot water-bottles, drinking lots of tea, chocolate milk. It doesn't seem to work.

In some moments, when he was near me, it wasn't so cold. It was not that he was keeping me warm; it was just the fact that he was around me that created some warmth and brightness. Those moments lasted only for a couple of hours though. I discussed this with my PEAP counselor. She doesn't know what it is nor whether it's going to be over or not. It's not physical at least My temperature is perfect, 98.7 degrees. I try not to think about it too much.

I miss him, I still miss him. It has already been three weeks since he had left my home. And even though I see him a lot during the day, I miss his appearance in the room. It's 10 pm right now, and it's already dark outside. I don't fear darkness anymore.

After a nice lunch we shared, both of us decided that it was the best that he left. It's not over between us, not at all. But we had to take a little distance first. He has to figure his life out, and so have I. It was mostly my idea to take a step back, I don't know if I'm ready yet. Until he left me, we just shared my bed. And even not every day, sometimes I wanted to be alone and he took the spare bedroom. I don't want to do more, not yet at least. I think that, if he stayed here, it would have gone too fast. I would have done things I don't want to. Yet.

I think of the first hours after he left me. Just to remind myself. I thought I was strong, that I was almost over it, that it was enough to be with him. That the fact that I would never do it again was enough, but no, not at all. That day, I really understood that I needed more help than 'just' PEAP. I decided to take sessions at a psychologist, after I finished my required sessions. And it's working. She makes me see things, I understand that it wasn't just one attempt. Until she thinks I am ready to work, I'll be at home. Sometimes, Lindsey is with me, sometimes she's away. She understands that 'mom needs a little time on her own', she's such a sweetheart.

Flashback

_Darkness. It takes me some time to figure out that the lights are out. I turn my head and stare in the darkness: the streetlights are off too. I feel my breath tighten in my trachea. Darkness. I close my eyes, fighting the fear that I feel. My heart starts beating too fast, I feel it in my throat. I'm all alone, in the darkness. On the floor, again. _

_I don't know what to do. I want the darkness to stop. I want the lights to turn on. I close my eyes and start counting. Maybe that will help, counting my fear away. I talk out loud to myself, hoping that that will control my breathing. Okay. Breathe. In and out. Slowly. "One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine." Breathe. I bite on my lip. "Ten. Eleven. Twelve." _

_Can't be alone now. Can't. He must come._

_I look in my pocket and, thank God, I find my cell phone. My fingers tremble, my hands are shaking. Three buttons. "Pick up the phone, pick up!" I breathe into the phone, whispering the sentences. Three tones. _

_"Brown." _

_"Can you please come? Please?" _

_I can't talk, my throat is slipped by fear and unshed tears. I hope he comes. I need him. Now._

_"Cath! What's wrong?"_

_"It's dark... I'm so scared... can you please come?" _

_Sigh. Oh, I remember. It's his first day at work again. He must be on a case... I shouldn't have called. I feel the urge to hang up the phone. But the fear wins it again. I think, if I don't have someone around me, I don't know what will happen. _

_"Where are you? Home?" _

_I can't say a word. I hope he considers the sound I make as a 'yes'. _

_"I'll come to you as soon as I can. Please, don't do something. Don't worry Cath, it'll be okay. I'll be there."_

End of Flashback

I really don't remember what I did until he came, I just remember the fear.

Flashback

_I hear a knock on the window. I open my eyes and look up. Warrick. I breathe in easily. Thank God, he's here. I stand up. I want to walk to the door, but my legs won't let me. I almost collapse. I turn and sink against the window, my forehead against the glass. I hear my name, vaguely: the window has taken the sound away. My eyes are opened. I see his hand through the glass, pressing at my cheek. Caressing it, though I don't feel. _

_"Cath! Open the door!" His voice comes through the glass, reaching my ears. I nod. Door. open the door. I press myself off the window, with both hands. He still looks at me, awfully concerned. I stand there, looking down. I catch a few breaths and walk to the door to open it. I don't want to collapse again. The room is dark, but I know the way. I open the door and realize that my hands are still shaking. As soon as the door is opened, I let myself fall in his arms. His hands around me, closely pressed. _

_"Cath, you okay?"_

_I nod. It's obviously not okay with me, but I don't want to scare him. Therefore I just nod._

_"Thank God... I didn't know what was going on... I was so scared that something happened to you." _

_I try to smile, but it breaks into a sob. "I was so scared..." I pull myself closer to him, letting myself cry. He just stands there, in my embrace. From time to time he makes soothing sounds, but he doesn't push me. We stand there, and I forget what's his and what's mine. _

_"Cath?"_

_It takes me some time to answer. "Yeah..." I want him to talk to me, I want to focus on his voice. I'm still afraid, even now I'm in his hands. I want to know if he is still here. I know it sounds stupid, I am in his arms, but I need his voice around me._

_"Cath... I'm here. What happened?"_

_I inhale. "It was dark... and suddenly... I was on that floor again, I was there again. And I was so cold, and... I don't know, I didn't know what to do anymore. I was so afraid... I was so scared. I thought... that it was over... but it's not. I'm just so scared... I don't know what to do..."_

_I feel my tears flowing over my cheeks. Cold drops are hanging under my chin, dripping on his shirt. "Hold me…" I'm begging him, I'm not ready to be let go. _

"_Cath, I'm hol-"_

"_Please…" He must hold me. I can't do it on my own. I don't even know if I am ready to stand on my own legs. _

_Silence now. We're standing together, for a very long time. I become peaceful if I notice that we're breathing in and out with the same rhythm, the same metre. Deep sigh, then it's over. I'm calm again. _

_Suddenly, I realize that I have no clue about time. I open my eyes. It's still dark around us. The power is still off. I mumble something. "Warrick… you can let me go now…"_

"_Oh…" He loosens his arms and we're standing opposed, his hands still on my shoulders. He smiles at me. I give him a small one back._

_Awkward silence. I think of him. Oh shit… it was his first day at work… he just walked away from work… for me. And it was his first day! How must they feel about that? _

"_Sweetheart, what's wrong?" _

_Short panic, then I decide just to ask it. It was his decision to come… actually I let him no choice, but he still decided to come._

"_It… it was your first night… you were still at work. And you came. You-"_

"_Don't worry… Leony completely understood. She told me that you should be more important for me than work. And you are."_

"_How… how was your first day?" _

"_Good… it was great to work with Nick again. Man, I missed him. And Leony and Jamie were nice too. I had an easy one: B&E in Henderson. Worked with Leony, evidence looks promising, already have two suspects."_

_He looks around and then moves back to me. "But that's not what counts right now. You okay again?"_

_I nod, eyes closed. And now I really mean it. He notices. He leans forward, places one hand on my cheek and kisses my jawbone, close to my ear. Just one gentle kiss. I feel the tension rise, down my spine, over my abdomen. I know it was not his intention to cause it, and I don't want to feel it right now, it's not appropriate. My breath stocks in my throat and I exhale deeply. I look at him and I see that he smiles. Satisfied, he knows what I feel right now, I shake my head. "I don't-"_

"_I know. I don't want to rush you. You look exhausted, Hun. You think you can sleep alone?"_

_I nod. "I want to. Really, War, I want to do it alone, it's best for both of us. Can you just bring me upstairs? My night-vision sucks these days and I find it a little… eerie there." I look at the stairs, smile with my head angled down. "Still not used to the dark."_

End of Flashback

And I kept my word. I didn't invite him to stay over, and I still haven't made love with him. We have become closer. I am seeing him everyday, often he comes over to here. Sharing dinner, breakfast. Kisses, lots of them. He can see it if I am willing to want it or not. I have no idea how he does it, but somehow, he always notices.

Lindsey is always smiling when she catches us sharing intimate moments. She used to yell at me when she caught me kissing, or smash the door firmly. She doesn't do it anymore. I have asked her about it, we had a nice conversation. I know that it's my life, but she's a huge part in it. I think that she needs to be okay with it, before I do anything.

Flashback

"_Linds? You have a little time for me?"_

_She looks up from the TV screen. She takes the remote control and turns it off. "Sure." _

_I move to the couch and take a seat, close to her. "I want to know… about me and Warrick. Are you okay with it? The way things go, I mean. You see us kissing, and… maybe doing more in the future. I know it's not your concern but I still I think I want to know how you feel about it. I mean… you're my daughter, you're the most important person for me."_

_She smiles widely at me. "Mom… I am okay with it. He's the first person who makes you smile again, really smile. And kissing is not bad. I know that, it's good. Warrick's a great guy. If you love him… just go for it."_

_Did my daughter just say that? I slightly blush. Love him… yes I do. But… what did she say about kissing? She knows about that? How does she know? "Lindsey… you have experience? In kissing, I mean?"_

_Her eyes widen. "Mom! That's none of your business! Don't say that I am too young. I am twelve years and four months old. I am old enough to decide."_

_I snicker from the inside, I so look down on myself again. When my mom found out that I kissed the boy-next-door. I remember that I ran out of the room with no words. Afterwards, my mom and I had a nice chat. I remember that I said completely the same to her as Lindsey told me. _

"_Oh, Lindsey, you must know… I think you're old enough. Just… be careful and slow. You must promise me not to do things against your will. Okay?"_

_She nods. "Okay."_

End of Flashback

I change position and hear a knock on the window. Warrick. I hear it in the way he knocks. He has a key, but for some reason, he decided to knock on the window. I stand up, still holding the fleece blanket around me with one hand. He looks intensely at me and I wave at him with the other hand. Finger-wave. I don't feel the urge to open the door for him. I come closer to the window, let my blanket fall off my shoulders.

I place both of my hands on the window. He lays his on the other side of the glass. We look at each other. I see that he is saying my name, whispering, because I can't hear him. My lips move to the glass and touch it. It feels cool. My nose reaches the glass and with every breath I make, the glass turns a little wet and frosted. I still haven't lost contact with his eyes. He moves forward, and kisses my lips. Without looking away, the intensity is oddly elevated. It's not that it is hot, sensual in some way, definitely. I feel safe now, even though he's still standing at the other side of the window.

I want to kiss him, feel him but the glass prohibits it. I move my lips away from the glass, but my hands still touch it. "I'm opening the door." I whisper, 'cause I don't know if I will be able to say something and on the other hand, he won't hear me anyway. I walk to the door, as quick as I can. I don't want the tension to be over.

As soon as I opened the door, I let myself fall into him. I stand on my toes, laying my hands on his cheeks. I want to kiss so badly now, my mouth touches his. We breathe in the same air together, just touching lips. I feel my heatbeat increase, my breasts feel tense. My tongue enters is mouth and finds his. His fluid tastes nice and sweet. His hands move to my waist, lifting the fabric. He touches my skin, pressing to my hipbones with his thumbs. A warm and fuzzy feeling buzzes in my stomach.

I moan together with a breath. My tongue dances in his mouth, sometimes connected to his, sometimes free and tasting the inside of his cheeks. My hands move to the upper side of his shirt, automatically. I want to take his shirt, my hands start to unbutton it. In a soft moan from both of us, we let each other go.

"Cath…" Two short breaths follow. I'm a little breathless right now, but between my inhalations and exhalations, I manage to tell him that I want to go to the bedroom. He closes the door and we're hurrying upstairs. On the second step, he catches me, takes my hand and turns me around. He is standing on the step below me. I can look into his eyes without looking up.

He touches the side of my breasts, softly moving the fabric. I feel my nipples harden more with every movement he makes. I feel a deep hunger burning in my skin. I softly whisper his name, with closing my eyes. He moves his hands to my back and lowers them until they touch my ass. Oh, that feels so good. He makes small ticklish motions with his fingers. Then he lifts me and I wrap my legs around his waist. My head lingers on his shoulder.

We enter the bedroom and he lays me down on the bed. He moves down on top of me, his hands each side of my shoulders.

"Is this what you really want? Are you ready?" He asks me. I can hear the longing in his voice. I nod and look at him.

"Yeah… I want this… more than anything. I want to make love to you, Warrick… I need you." He nods and starts to loosen my blouse with one hand, the other one using for support. It doesn't work, my hand already moves to it to help him but he pushes it away.

"No."

He kneels down, both of his legs at the side next to me. He has his hands free and starts to unbutton it. One by one, I hear the pops of the buttons loosening. I make a groaning sound when he moves his hands down on my abdomen.

"God I missed you… I missed… this." I manage to hiss between my sighs. He quickly takes off his own shirt and moves down on me. He whispers things in my ear, soft things that make me laugh. Slowly, we continue.

I wake up, with my head on his shoulder. He's still sleeping, I notice by his regular breaths and I sneak a look through my eyelashes. I smile when I see his half-covered torso. He looks sexy and adorable at the same time. And he's mine. I cuddle myself next to him, softly, not willing to wake him. Before I fall asleep, I notice that I'm still warm. I smile to myself, enjoying the feeling, as long as it lasts.

**October 9, 2005**

A lot of things changed in the months between that day and today. I got back to work, working under Gil's supervision again. On the first day at work, we went to his office and he explained me everything again. His rules.

Flashback

_I walk into his office, with a quick knock on the door. "Come in", I hear when I walk to his desk. Oops, my first mistake. This doesn't make me more confident. _

"_Catherine, you're here early." _

_I missed that way of greeting. For an outsider, it might look cold, but I know better. I radiate to him. _

"_Yeah, I wanted to go over your 'rules'. Just to make sure that everything's okay and that I understand everything." _

_He nods. _

"_Well, you told me that I had to tell you about everything I'm doing. How far will this go? I mean… do I have to tell you about every swab I'm making, or ask your permission for every question I ask?" _

_He sighs and looks at me. "No, I don't want you to tell me about every swab and you know you don't need my permission for everything. I still trust you. Though, I'm your supervisor and I think you need some structure, just to protect you. I don't want you to overwork yourself. We'll have an evaluation everyday in the first few weeks." _

_I can't tell him how much I appreciate it. I may not like it, at least not all of it, but he is doing it for me and I indeed think that it's the best. _

"_Okay. First night, I'm with you?" _

_He nods. "Yes." _

_I feel that it will take me some time to convince him that I can do things solo. But I'll be fine, I'll survive it. "Okay, I'll better go. I want to say hello to Greg and Sara before shifts starts. I know that at least she's already here."_

_As usual. Nothing important has changed since I left the building a few months ago. Sara's still early for cases, Greg still drinks his Blue Hawaiian. The guys still like to make small bets about silly things and I like it that way. When I'm at the doorway, he calls my name. I turn around. "Good luck today." I smile. It's really nice of him to tell me that. _

End of Flashback

It was strange to get back to normal life again. Working full-time, nights. Even though Gil was awfully strict it didn't feel that way. I found it really hard, and I found myself crying in his office, after a hard evaluation. I completely screwed up, and he told me that. After a few weeks, it got better. I have nice co-workers, and they all seemed glad that I was back.

"Penny for your thoughts."

I turn around, and reality gets me back. My party. I smile at Greg. "I was just thinking how lucky I am with those nice co-workers."

He shrugs. "Yeah right, and since I'm a nice guy, I'm sure you want to dance with me. I mean, this is a nice song. A nice song for a nice lady. Well, what do you think?"

Greg. He'll never give up. I look over my lawn and see that a lot of people are dancing there together. I try to listen to the song and I indeed think that it's a nice one. A classic. I move my eyes through the dance floor and catch Gil and Sara. They're taking the dance slowly, but intimate. Very differently from Lindsey and her boyfriend, bouncing to the rhythm of the drums. Mia and Nick are just having a lot of fun. The dance has nothing of the intimacy both other couples have, but at least they are enjoying themselves.

"Well?"

I look at him with faked pity. "I would love to, but I doubt that my boyfriend over there will like it. It doesn't take a lot for him to be jealous. I'm sorry, I can't take the risk."

He pouts at me. "Come on, please. It's just one dance. I don't want to abduct you from your jealous boyfriend. I just want to dance with you."

I shake my head. "No, Mr. Sanders. Sorry."

"Okay… then I'll just accept my fate that I'll never be with you. It was worth a try."

I leave him and walk over to Warrick. He's talking to my mother. I want to know what they are discussing. I keep a little distance, so they won't notice that I'm eavesdropping, but close enough to hear everything they say.

Just when I got into the conversation, my mother turns around and notices me. "Catherine, come and join us."

I smile. Busted. I walk to Warrick and give him a quick kiss on his mouth. I'm going to stand next to him, his hand on my hip. Protective, but in a good way.

"Your mother and I were just discussing how lucky we both are to have you."

I look at him. "Oh, come on. Don't butter me up, please."

"No really, Cath, I mean it. I love you and I'm really happy to have you at my side."

Oh… kay. Where does this come from all sudden? I think I just need to accept the compliment. "Well, thank you, I guess…" I look up to him. "Shall we dance? I want to."

He takes my hand and guides me to the dance floor. He lays his hands between my waist and the side of my breasts. I place my hands on his shoulders. He pulls me closer to himself. The dance is slow, we almost don't move but I love the closeness and intimacy.

"I love you…" I whisper, more to myself than to him. He kisses the place where my hair meets the skin of my forehead. I get lost in his arms and I realize how much I love him and need him.

And I know he will never let me go again.

FIN

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**A/N:** My last authors note for this story. You can ask for a sequel, there's a pretty high chance that I will write one, or something similar. I love Yo!Bling. Thanks for sticking with me.

Thanks to: Suiba, Miss Cam, Rabit-Tortise, Ramsey25, September, CSIFan4Life, Silent Cobra, Bene. Thanks to: Lynn Fox, Sara Sidle Grissom, GeekLoveFreak, Binx-349, Cybrokat, GrissomsButterfly1310, Fist-Tank36, Trialia. Thanks to all the nocent people I forgot to thank.

Thanks to Evanescence, Celine Dion, Hooverphonic, Jem, The Corrs and all the music I forgot.

Thanks to Marg Helgenberger and Gary Dourdan.

Thanks to everyone involved I forgot. Thanks for reading. You all rock.


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